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Milestones: Family Matters

Here’s another milestone in the development of my castration fetish.

My 14-15 years were intense. Puberty was right behind me and my first teen years found me clueless and out of it. And this milestone is actually kind of painful.

And I suppose I should mention here that I’ve never been what one would call a chronic or compulsive masturbator.

Nude Photos

My crazy older sister came home from college and bragged to me about having nude photos in her luggage that were taken by her photographer boyfriend. When she went to bed I rummaged through her luggage, got them out and used them for onanistic purposes. There was one color one taken in the woods that really showed off her ‘charms’.

The next day she confronted me about her luggage being disarranged. I denied doing anything. I’ve always suspected she wanted me to look at them.

Trimphant Castratrix

I made a sort of confession to my crazy older sister one day while she was doing some simple task in the kitchen of our family home. I told her I had had a dream/fantasy of her castrating me and then holding my severed scrotum up in the air in a gesture of triumph. She laughed it off and to humor me she even pantomimed the gesture.

I think it’s pretty clear that in this instance it was I that was the crazy one.

Wisdom Teeth

My mother took me to have my wisdom teeth surgically removed. She made no effort to prepare me for it. Everything about it was unexpected and disturbing. And my mom was so silent, cold and stern both on the way over and back.

I experienced feelings of betrayal, abandonment and guilt. It felt like a sort of punitive correction. It also resonated with feelings from back during my time in traction when I was two years old. Oh, and it was a male oral surgeon by the way.

Hall Mirror Stain

My mother had a set of three almost full-length mirrors installed in a closed-off hallway at the back of our house. The middle mirror was flat against the wall and the side mirrors were on hinges that swung out so that you could stand inside them and see all around yourself.

One day my mother asked me to come and look at the mirrors. On the middle one there was a long white dried semen stain. She said she knew it had to be either myself or my older brother. She must have been able to tell from my stricken expression that it was me. She told me to clean it up and bitched about how she already had enough to clean up every day around the house.

I think she later come to regret having been so tactless.

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Milestones: Almost Angels

Here is another formative milestone for my castration fetish.

Almost Angels

The next one came when I around 9 years old.
There was an episode of the Sunday Disney show called, “Almost Angels”, about the Vienna Boy’s Choir. I watched the show with my parents and some of my siblings, in particular, an older sister who was to have a great impact on my sexual development.
This sister was about 10 years older than myself and was unusually bossy and over-bearing. She always liked to show off how smart she was. Later in life she was diagnosed as bi-polar.
She must have learned somewhere about the castrati singers that existed in the history of Europe and thought that was a funny and cute fact. So when this TV show came on she wanted to show off this special knowledge so she asked out loud, “Are they castrated? Have they been castrated?” She asked a couple times and had to shushed by my mother.
Her keen, devilish interest in this gruesome practice made a deep and lasting impression on me. It gave the word ‘castrate’ itself an almost magical power in my mind. A true “fetish” in that sense. And I don’t think I even knew what castration meant at that time.

And since I have 2 older sisters, I will refer to this one as “my crazy older sister”.

Spy vs. Spy

Another more solitary experience from this time came from seeing a “Spy vs. Spy” comic strip in “Mad Magazine”. This comic strip was about two spies, one white, one black, that were always scheming against each other.
This particular strip had one of the spies tending a hotdog stand. I somehow misread the plot to be that one of the spies had tricked the other into losing his penis by having it put on display in the hotdog stand. I found this mysteriously arousing. This incident also showed a how trickery and deceit could amplify my arousal.

Navy Nurses

Another incidental side-light was a black-and-white WWII movie on TV I happened to be watching all alone one afternoon. I’m not sure how old I was. I could have been 11 or 12.
I really hadn’t been paying much attention to the movie but when it came to the end it had some nurses playing a trick on a US soldier/sailor (pretty sure it was a sailor) they had in their care. They put an ointment under some bandages on his back that caused an unpleasant burning sensation. They laughed at his discomfort and when he asked for relief they ripped off his bandages with a quick yank, which caused additional distress and made them laugh even more.
I got up and walked out of the TV room in a daze, stunned by what I had seen. Trickery, mild sadism and abuse of trust were the arousing factors.
I’ve never found out what the movie was, but I haven’t searched very hard either.