Here’s another formative milestone for my castration fetish.
The Gaudy Image
The next milestone came when I was 13. It was a pornographic excerpt from a little-known novel about a gay romance that was set in New Orleans in the 1950s. The book was “The Gaudy Image” by William Talsman. And although the excerpt was pornographic there was very little sex in the remainder of the novel. This appears to have been a cheap ploy to increase sales of the book.
I stumbled onto this excerpt in a 700-page anthology of excerpts published in 1965 by Grove Press in a book called “The Olympia Reader”. The excerpts are from books published by The Olympia Press. This was a famous publisher of pornographic and avant-garde literature in the 1950s and located in Paris. There was sex in a lot of the other excerpts but none of them interested me.
I have transcribed the excerpt and posted it on DeviantArt in two parts. I give links below but here is a summary:
A pair of petty criminals, Gunner and Nickie, take a room in a small rooming house. The other tenants are a boxer and a wrestler. Gunner is an ex-con and Nickie is young and innocent. Gunner alienates Nickie by sodomizing him against his will. But when the boxer sodomizes Nickie they become lovers. And when Gunner tries to force the wrestler to let Gunner sodomize him the wrestler turns the tables and sodomizes Gunner.
Here are the links:
There are 3 unexpected sexual turnabouts in the story, which I love. And I also loved the domination, humiliation and emasculation of one man using another as an object purely to obtain his own sexual gratification.
I’ve never been attracted to manly men and I’ve consumed very little gay porn over the years. But I do regret not having experimented with gay sex more when I was young. I did suck cock a couple times (in my late teens) but they were brief, half-hearted affairs.
The intense interest and arousal I got from this excerpt certainly confused me at the time.
Bossy Brainy Buzz
This was also the year I fell under the sway of a fellow junior high school student named Buzz. Buzz was an outmoded nickname for him and I never knew him as that but I’ll use it for the purposes of anonymity.
Buzz was quite an intellectual prodigy and also very domineering. I remember him lambasting me for going to summer camp that year. Nuts, huh? Like he owned me?
Buzz was gay but totally masculine and he never came out to me, or in general. And, although I didn’t realize it at time, by the time I was 16 he had become sexually infatuated with me. In retrospect, I realize Buzz was an early-bloomer, so to speak, and was very sexually aware. In contrast, I was so out of touch it was like I was frozen inside.
Buzz had quite a negative impact on my life. The main things were that he foisted Ayn Rand and computer programming on me. I was able to free myself of Rand by subscribing to the bogus mysticism of Carlos Castaneda but the computer thing blighted my life for many years. Buzz had some heavy demons and I hadn’t seen him years when he died at a fairly early age.
Anyway, the point is to show my stunted sexual awareness, my submissive personality and how I gravitated to domineering people.