Here is another formative milestone for my castration fetish.
The age of 12 was a very eventful one with respect to formative sexual experiences. I was maturing rapidly. I had gained my full height and puberty was in full swing.
A Meek Wolf Among Savage Lambs
My other older sister had just gotten married and I went for an overnight visit. They had a book at their apartment that was published by Playboy magazine called “Ribald Tales”. This was an anthology of short erotic pieces taken from various, sometimes obscure, classical literature sources. One of them blew my little mind. It was the first fantasy that crystalized my femdom castration fetish.
The story was “A Meek Wolf Among Savage Lambs” by Edouard Roditi. I believe it has a fairly modern setting, turn-of-the-20th-century Turkey. I give the link for the whole story below, but here’s a summary.
A writer disguises himself as a woman in order to infiltrate a Turkish harem in order to write a spicy magazine article about harems. His gender is discovered and the harem ladies order him to be castrated in order to preserve their honor.
Here’s the link: A Meek Wolf.
Those Poor Oxen
Also at this time my crazy older sister took a few moments to explain castration to me. Mostly she focused on the castration of domestic animals. For some reason her description of the lives of oxen captured my fancy. She described them as, “those poor oxen”, castrated and then harnessed up for a lifetime of hard work and drudgery. It wasn’t just the castration that appealed to me but the lifetime of humiliation and degradation. And the pathetic, shameful public spectacle of it.
I have a vivid memory of a climax I had while at summer camp that year. I can’t go into too much detail but I remember talking out loud and saying things like, “it’s a shame what they do to those poor oxen”.
I had an older brother that was a bit of a black sheep. He had just got slapped with a paternity suit by a lower-class bimbo he was unwise enough to spend a little time with. I think this was the main motivation for my crazy older sister to buy me a subscription to Playboy in order to help me develop a healthy solo outlet so I’d be less tempted by… unsuitable partners.
Nuts, huh? And where were my parents? Their permissive attitude went way over into neglect, in retrospect.
Anyway, this was the beginning of another related fetish, masturbation humiliation, i.e., being relegated and side-lined in that respect.
Another aspect of this was that I was bewildered at why I didn’t find the photos or other erotica in these magazines to be arousing. I began to realize I wasn’t normal. I’ve always been primarily heterosexual. The problem was the power dynamic was wrong. And I have always found photographs to be cold, washed out and unengaging. I much prefer hand-drawn art.
I remember hearing at this time my mother describing how she first learned what the euphemism, “having a dog fixed”, meant. She was quite amused when she learned what it meant, that it meant surgically treating a dog for the owner’s benefit, not the dog’s. Ever since, this usage of ‘fixed” has had fetishistic power for me.
The James Bond movies starring Sean Connery were very popular at this time and I wanted to be cool and manly too so I read all the novels (didn’t really enjoy them, though).
In, “You Only Live Twice”, there is a description of a technique used by male geishas in Japan for temporarily forcing their testicles back up into their abdomen. This riveted my attention. I remember trying to describe this to my mom while we were alone together in a car, her driving and me in the passenger seat. I got all flustered and stammered and she just shrugged it off.
The Beatles were becoming very popular at this time and I developed a mild crush on John Lennon. This was the first step in my lifelong attraction to effeminate young men and androgynous women.